Where I’m From

I am from my mother
All auburn hair and blue eyes
Once innocent then fierce
Leo the lion

I am from my mother
Strong and unbending
A shelter for her children
Against their storms

I am from my mother
With her words of wisdom
Her words of worry
Her words of love

I am from my mother
I carry her in my heart
Broken and bruised
But full of her

Throw Back Thursday – Thanksgiving

(Originally posted October 2011)

To be truly thankful
One must realize
Both what they have
And have lost

Today I am thankful
For weakness and strength
Hope and realization
Desire and surrender

For you
But more for me
For my heart
Though it was lost

And for my soul
Because it is mine again
And stronger yet
In the reclaiming

Thank you Shane Koyczan

There are days
When you’re still 13
Trying to be invisible
Inside the body of
A 35 year old

It’s not allowed
To still hurt
“Get Over It”
“It Doesn’t Matter”
Clearly you’re a freak

Because you can’t
Move on
There are still those
Voices who say
You are Wrong

What you feel
Is incorrect
Let’s fix you
So you fit
In your assigned space

You are You
Why does no one
Tell you that’s OK
That the god you’re
Supposed to believe in

DOESN’T MAKE MISTAKES

You are here
Like the blinking cursor
You are potential
To receive love
To give love

Maybe in the body
Of a 35 year old
With the wounds of
A child
It’s finally ok to say

FUCK YOU

I am who I am

And maybe I
Will never be loved
By another
But I have earned the right
To love myself

Despite your efforts.

Practice

I wasn't looking for a message
There was no prayer
Or plea
Or whisper to the powers that be
To help me
There was just life
Moving forward
Towards nothing
Or maybe just the horizon
I was no longer
An island
And that was enough
I didn't need
But I found
And with every moment of doubt
You threw out
Your signs
Incomprehensible
But clear
The path
Is the right one
And although
I did not seek your guidance
Had no problem with silence
As I walked
Your whispers grew louder
Becoming
All I could hear.

Golem

There’s a girl
A woman
Inside that puppet
That mask
That golem
That was “you”

Somewhere deep
Deep inside the dirt
And mud
And dark whispers
Of the lies
You created

Is you
That woman
The girl
I still think of

She exists

And someday I hope
She digs herself out
Soiled and bloody
Damaged and torn
Regretful and
Full of effort
And calm determination

And I hope when
You finally see her
See you
In the mirror
Free of your cell
You will love her
Love you

As I tried to do.

Baptism

I walked there upon your streets

I slept deeply between your sheets

I’ve felt a longing for a home not known

The seed of my love was heartbreak grown

I dream of jellybeans and dangerous hills

Of pastry and coffee and sunshine and thrills

Was it her I fell for, or was it you?

I cannot tell you, I never knew

I missed you from the moment we met

And here I am I long for you yet

Though I cannot desert she who welcomed me first

You’ve woken in me an unquenchable thirst

It hurts me to remember the memories provided

Is there a crueller fate than a heart divided?

 

As Long As I’m Around Nothing Bad’s Gonna Happen To You (Stand By Me)

I never say it
Taught not to
Like with Dad
And other Men

Shhhhh

Don’t bother him

No Chick Flick Moments

That’s fine

But I still have
Eight Years Old
The dead end
Guelph Lake

And
Stand By Me
Playing in the earphones
Of your Sony Walkman

I was scared that evening
8/18
The best man I’d ever known

And now I miss what
We could have had

Instead I’m still eight
Frightened
With no song
To scare away the

Dark

fire

fire in me
so happy
joy
splashing out of
my pours
for just one day

this one is mine
i claim it
i name it
i hold it like a child
holds security

Because now
i know joy
does exist without her
the one who put so
so much misery on me

that any scrap, like
a bone

‘i love you’
‘i’m yours’

i’d suck the marrow
dry

bruises that felt
like victories.
i am hurt
But I am not dead

And I will
capture
You.

Too bad there was
no you
To be
Captured

And I am left
With my
Scars
Memories of
Not
You

And yet still

I am lost

2012

A blank canvass,
Fresh intentions
All good, of course.

Somehow that one minute
Changes everything.
We now start anew
Leave the past behind.

Except that one minute
Doesn’t always erase
A year or fix the places
Where we are broken.

Sometimes not even a lifetime
Can do that.

 

And that, my friends, is my cynical poem for the start of 2012.  I want things to be different this year.  I want things to be better this year. 2011 was, at best, a horribly shitty year across the board.  2012 can only get better. Right?  If I believe it is must be true!

If only I could believe in that power of positive thinking stuff.

Nonetheless, despite my cynacism, I do have some wishes and hopes for 2012.  And I’ll even admit to some of them here, recording them for posterity.  Releasing them into the world with the vain hope that there is power in writing something down.

In 2012:

I want to move past the ever-present ache of heartbreak.

I want to stop missing people who don’t miss me.

I want to be grateful for the wonderful people in my life.

I want to not be tired.

I want to read more.

I want to be more engaged in the actual world, and not the one in my head.

I want my apartment to be neat and clean.

I want to have a relationship.

I want to be someone’s first thought.

I want to stop feeling/acting like Season 4 Sam.

I want to fall in love again.

I want someone to fall in love with me.

I want to be content.