Intention

I was recently reading the grief and coping post-election thread on Metatalk and a user was talking about downsizing their suburban life and using more of their energy to do good.  They wanted to live with intention.

I know it sounds corny on the surface, but it really got me thinking about my own life and how I can do better for myself, if not for others.

But what the hell does it mean to “live with intention”? It means to mindfully choose how  you live each day, rather than sitting by and letting things happen to you, or at you.  I’m never quite clear at the beginning of my day where I want it to go.  Frankly, it’s good if I manage to get out of bed on time.

Barring my horrid sleep issues, do I live my life with intent? Am I happy with how I am interacting with the world? Not really, if I’m to be honest. Ideally, I’d get up every day and do some morning pages, get a bit of stretching in and determine where I want my day to go.

But again with the getting out of bed issue.  Sigh.

But the first step is to look at my dreams.  What do I wish for more than anything? And the sad part is, I really have no big dreams.  I have desires, but I imagine that is not the same thing at all.

I also want to examine my values.  I mean, I know what my values are in the moment I need to express them. But I’ve never really sat down and thought about what I wish to see in the world. I know I’m pro-choice, pro-trans rights, pro-anything LGBTQ really. I know that as I get older my identity as a person with a disability contributes to how I see accessibility, etc.

I know those things about myself inherently, but there’s nothing wrong with a little introspection every now and again.

Living with intent doesn’t always have to mean quitting your desk job and going to live off-grid in the woods.  That’s not everyone’s dream. But I know I’d like to be more successful in my career and there are things I can do to help that if I’m living a life that is mindful.

I’m not sure what this means for me in the future, to be honest.  Maybe it will mean a huge change, maybe it will be a bunch of smaller ones. But I know this, I want to happen to my life, not have my life happen to me.

Secrets

I lack the ability to keep my feelings to myself.  I am honestly incapable of it.  If I feel something I express it.  I often try not to, as I prefer not to be such a giant open book to everyone in my life, but I never manage to succeed.  I have always admired those people who are good at closing themselves off.    So when I tell things, I tell them because I have to.  Because it’s crawling up my insides and eating away at me.  Because I feel like the person deserves to know, even if they choose not to do anything with that information.

There’s just something comforting in the fact that if I were to die tomorrow, I can honestly say that there is no one in my life who doesn’t know how I feel about them.  I am not ambiguous.

But it’s not always as easy as it seems.  You don’t often get the same courtesy in return.  People don’t know what to do with open, naked emotion.  People don’t always want to know how you feel about them.

It’s not always a gift.

Sometimes I wish I could keep things to myself.
Song of the moment: “Shake it Out — Florence & The Machine”.