Odd

Grief is a really weird thing.

This is, I assume, a revelation to no one.  Except it is for me, now that I’m experiencing it firsthand.  Intellectually I know all the right things, the five stages, everyone grieves differently, people don’t know what to say, etc etc etc.

But it’s just now that I’m really learning how I grieve. And it’s fucking odd, let me tell you. I want to come up with some very writerly way of describing grief, some brilliant metaphor that would make people gasp at my genius, but “fucking odd” is all I’ve got.

I haven’t cried nearly as much as I thought I would.

I have been angry, and although keeping it to myself, really kind of bitchy.

It seems I grieve internally, without needing a lot of comfort, which makes no sense to me at ALL. I’m always talking about how lonely I am and how much I want a partner and more friends and then people reach out to me and I’m all “NOPE NO NO NOPE.”  I don’t say this out loud of course.  My mother, rest her soul, did teach me some decorum.

There’s certain music I feel afraid to listen to now, although I managed to get through an entire Sarah McLachlan concert without a single tear, so maybe I shouldn’t be so afraid.

There’s been no bargaining.  She’s gone.  If there’s a god he’s not bringing her back.  This whole process has made me wonder about the afterlife though.  Generally – whether there is one or not.  I don’t have a solid opinion right now, but I know that I am far more invested in the answer than I have ever been before.  I definitely WANT there to be an afterlife.  I want my mother to be somewhere, happy, watching us, free from worry.  I don’t want her to simply be gone. I don’t want there to be nothing after this because it seems so radically unfair.  She had a shit life, went through things I can’t even describe to you, and dead and *poof* gone is all she gets? Hell no!

But generally I’m just ok. Not great, not horrible.  I miss her fiercely, but I am doing ok, and as someone said, maybe that’s a testament to her – that she raised strong children.

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