I don’t tend to think of myself as a very motivated person, and that’s terrible. However, when I think about it a little further, I realize that everyone is motivated; it’s just a matter of what they’re motivated to do. For myself, I am clearly motivated to spend a lot of time on the internet. But what motivated me to do that? What do I get out of avoiding daily life and staring at a screen all evening?

It’s a good question, and one I don’t have a clear answer to.

Obviously, I like what I see and read. I mostly go to interactive communities like Reddit, Metafilter, Facebook, Tumblr, etc. Oh and Skillshare. I’m addicted to Skillshare.  The good thing about that is that it gets me doing things like drawing and painting and writing. But I digress. I like reading what other people have to say about things. It doesn’t even matter what it is, usually.

The closest thing I can come to is that spending so much time on the internet keeps me occupied and prevents me from feeling lonely. It also helps me procrastinate, but that’s a different issue. There’s something about the “interactive” aspect that really does it for me. I mean, I could do any number of things to spend my time.  I could read, I could write, I COULD FRIGGING CLEAN, I could paint or I could draw. But I don’t.

I need to work on myself and at coming to terms with the fact that I have no partner in life. I need to accept that I am alone (in a romantic sense) and I have to learn to be okay with that. If I’m truly honest, I know that I’m not ok with it. At all. I fill all the empty space with things that are bad or unproductive, when I could be filling that empty space with good things like art or exercise. I could do so much if I just stopped trying to distract myself from the lonely parts of my life. If I faced the loneliness head on and did good things anyway.

But knowing that I do what I do in a misguided attempt to cope is a new revelation for me.  This is a good first step, I think.

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