I think a lot of what makes us sad is a lack of acceptance of our reality. We keep reaching for that dream, or that goal, often to fall short. We rarely accept ‘No’ for an answer. It’s embedded in the smallest things we hear in life from “You can be anything you want to be if you just your mind to it” to “There’s someone out there for everyone” to “everything happens for a reason”.
These are lies. Well meaning lies, but lies nonetheless.
I think that’s part of my problem. I’ve gone through life with expectations and desires like everyone does. I have no want for things, it’s relationships I’m looking for. I want people to rely on, no matter what. And the fact is, there is no one you can rely on no matter what. I want a best friend like I had when I was 16. I want a partner who loves me and misses me when I’m not around. I want to be the most important person in the world to just one other person.
That is what I want.
I have never had that. Not really. I keep trying. Looking for it, trying to mold people into my vision of what I want them to be. Trying to make more of things that are paltry and unsubstantial. As I grow older this becomes harder and harder to do. It’s like the Emperor’s New Clothes. I’ve gone all my life WANTING so very much to really be seeing the Emperor’s fabulous new garments, but I never quite get there.
My relationships with friends and others have been lessening day by day, it doesn’t really matter why. It just matters that it is. I am single. My friendships are mostly superficial. And I am miserable because I don’t have what I want.
Maybe it’s time to accept that I will never be the most important person to anyone. I will never have that partner in life that I always thought I’d find. Maybe it’s time to realize that it will only be me, alone, and stop trying so hard. To accept that I am solitary, and act accordingly.
So here I am. Accepting that fundamentally I am alone. Not actually alone, for there are people who care about me and love me, clearly. But today it’s time to start realizing that I will not get what I want. So it’s time to stop wanting it.