Bigger Isn’t Always Better

Sometimes I have a hard time writing.

That’s hardly a revelation to anyone I’m sure.  We all get writer’s block. Or at least most of us do.  However, I seem to be plagued with it these.  Or maybe it’s just that I can’t focus on more than one thing at a time.  Since I began focusing on painting my desire to write has become weak.  I still WANT to want to write, if that makes any sense.  There’s my story 17 waiting for me.  And I actually care about those characters (unlike Thana in Abdication of the Fourth).

Perhaps it’s the daunting task of trying to write an actual novel that’s getting me down.  Painting is nice in that you have a finished product relatively quickly.  It feeds my need for instant gratification. Writing is much harder in that it can take years to really see the final version of a novel.  And maybe I’m just not cut out to write novels.  Maybe, in the end, short stories are more my speed.  That’s ok.  It’s just that there’s not as much of a market for short stories these days.

There are places out there.  And I could publish a collection.  I certainly have the diverse POC everyone seems to be looking for these days (queer, mixed-race, disabled woman checking in!). I don’t know how to harness that, however.  These are just such fundamental aspects of myself that to write about them feels….weird. It would be like writing a dramatic piece on having brown hair.  Which maybe isn’t such a bad thing in and of itself.

It’s like the trouble I always had at therapy.  I couldn’t just talk.  I needed my therapist to ask questions to prompt me. Similarly, if I want to write from my varied perspectives, I need someone to ask “How do you feel about Blah?” or “What’s it like to be blah, and blah while blahing?” I don’t know what those questions are or I would ask them of myself and get writing.

Not that everything I do has it be about my “diverse POV”.  In fact, the less I focus on that, the better.  I just need to focus, period.  Accept that maybe Abdication and Seventeen are better off as short stories than as novels.  Accept that maybe I don’t have the attention span to write 100,000 words. That’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with writing short stories.

Hey, Neil Gaiman does it all the time!

The Fight

So the thing about me is that there’s a lot going on in my life right now behind the scenes. Not good things, things that cause me stress and anxiety. And anxiety can be a real bitch, let me tell you. It feels like it has taken over my life recently. I had to go back to my doctor to talk to her about it (again). I requested some work accommodation that didn’t get granted because there wasn’t enough information on my needs. Plus there’s mother’s day coming up. It’s been a struggle for me lately.

But I’m still fighting. And it is a battle that much I can say. So about a week or so ago I went to one of my favourite websites Ask Metafilter and asked them to recommend me some “You Got This” type music. And boy did they, to the tune of 125 songs. So I went ahead and made a Spotify Playlist (and maybe I’ll make an Apple Music Playlist this weekend, just for balance). It’s pretty awesome if I do say so myself.

So I have music. I also recently got my first Sketch Box in the mail, and it was pretty awesome too. I got watercolour pencils, some nice ink markers, and a water brush pen things (yes that’s the technical term). So that was a nice treat for me, and art is always fun. It helps me get my mind off things and exorcizes the demons, so to speak.

Additionally, I just signed up for a meal delivery service. It’s all paleo (and gluten free, but that’s neither here nor there for me) and likely to be far healthier than anything I make for myself or grab on the go. I eat out way too much. So I’m hoping that this will help me eat healthier and maybe even lose a couple pounds. We shall see.

These are all things I’m doing to take care of myself while I fight the battles I have to fight. What do you do to take care of yourself when things aren’t necessarily going your way?

Now if only my hockey team would win a few more games.