So I jokingly like to say that people should only have one talent each. Mostly because I feel like I only have one myself. And even then it can be questionable, lol. But ultimately I consider myself to be talented in writing. This is the one thing I can do. It’s more of a hobby than a vocation, but that’s ok. Maybe someday that will change, maybe not. But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about art in other forms.

Somewhat recently I took up watercolours and sketching. I am total rubbish at it, but I love, love, love doing it. It’s been spurred on by my friend Jasmine and a lot of small short courses on skillshare. I have an art book that I use for painting and drawing and I’m really quite proud of what I’ve managed to accomplish with a little bit of work. I’ve even started expanding my selection of art tools by investing in water brush pens. They look amazing and I can’t wait to get my hands on them.

I love art and creativity in general. It really makes me feel good, even if I’m not particularly skilled at it. I even let it spread into my journal, where I try to make entries more artsy, rather than just plan ink and paper. Watercolour is also very forgiving, which is nice. And sketching I can do ok enough with if I have a model picture to work from. Painting or sketching from my own imagination is pretty crap though, I must admit.

But regardless, I love doing it, and I really can’t wait till I get my next chance. Who knows, maybe tomorrow!

Dear 58 year old Me

Dear future April:

This is a weird letter to write because we don’t know what happens to you – us – in the next 20 years or so. But we have a bunch of wishes that we’re hoping come true, so maybe we’ll just talk about that.

You should be retired by now, or at least I hope you are.  Last I checked we’d be 56 when we could go, and man are we ever looking forward to that! We’re the type that works to live, not lives to work, that’s for sure. And we’ve been looking forward to getting out of the government game for some time. So what will you do now? Hopefully you’ll go work in a bookstore like you always wanted to.

I hope you have a partner by now.  I don’t like to think about us being retired and lonely.  By this point your pets will be long gone (just thinking about saying goodbye to Bug is making my chest hurt) and while you may have new ones, they are no replacement for human affection. I really hope we’ve found someone who will love us and treat us well. We’ve been waiting a long time, after all.

I hope you are still writing, even if we’ve never published anything writing has always been a part of us.  It’s who we are at our very core. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope we’ve published though.  It doesn’t have to be a huge thing, maybe just some short stories in magazines or whathaveyou. It would be nice to have that, but in order to do so you have to actually write, so please keep going.

I hope you are still making art in other ways, too.  I hope you’re still drawing and painting, even though we really suck at it. Art is always a good thing, and practice never hurts. Maybe by the time you read this we’ll have gotten better – stranger things could happen.

I hope we’re healthy.  I hope we’ve lost the weight we wanted to lose, and that we haven’t become a victim of our own body.  Cerebral Palsy isn’t an easy thing to cope with now at 38.  I can only hope it’s not worse in twenty years.  I hope we’ve done what we could to prevent getting any worse.

Generally I just hope we’re happy.  I really hope we’re not lonely. I worry about our future and where the years will take us, and I hope that something changes. There are lots of things we’re not so happy about right now, and I can only hope that things get better.

Keep fighting the good fight.


Dear 12 Year Old Me

Dear April,

You’re going to hate this letter.  You’re going to hate this because it’s not necessarily going to help you in the situation you’re in now.  But it is meant to give you hope for the future, and I sincerely hope it does that.

Because it does get better, I promise you that.  It doesn’t get *perfect* but it does get better.  Right now you feel like you have no friends, like your home life is a mess and that maybe there’s no point to anything.  But there is.  There really is.

In high school you’ll make more friends.  People will stop bullying you altogether like someone flipped a switch at the beginning of grade 9 and they all suddenly became human.  It helps that you don’t go to the same high school as most people you grew up with. You’ll meet Amanda, Kate and Darla, and while those friendships will have their ups and downs, they will become the foundation of some of your best teenage memories. You’ll join the arts council in grade 12 and that will bring you out of your shell somewhat. By the time you get to university you’re almost unrecognizable from the shy, insecure girl you are right now.

And, oh university! Those will be some of the momentous years of your life.  If you hang on for anything, hang on for university. You’ll move to Ottawa (but don’t get too attached to the idea of Peter being there – he isn’t for very long) and on the first day of Frosh week you’ll meet some of the best friends you’ll have during those four years, especially Laura and Cristina.  Over time you’ll meet Matt and Olga and Natalie and Loranne and so many others on your floor of residence and on the 12th  floor as well.

Living in residence first year is the best decision you’ll ever make.  It allows you to meet the people I just listed. You go on to live with Laura and Cristina for second and third year, and while that’s a mixed bag, it will still be more good than bad. You’ll fall in love for the first time in first year. With that will come a lot of questions and a lot of angst.  Try not to freak out, and follow your heart.  You will get hurt, but you will heal and the self-discovery will be so very worth it.

You will spend most of your 20s in a relationship with someone and it will also have its ups and downs. Ultimately it won’t work out in the end, but it will teach you what it’s like to have a real, adult relationship that is between equals.  That lesson will be worth more than I can describe.  You will know what it can be like and even though it ends, it will ultimately give you a blueprint for what you want out of a long term relationship.

Speaking of which, J in Newfoundland is NOT IT. RUN AWAY AND RUN AWAY FAST.  All this relationship will bring you is 9 months of lies and emotional manipulation. Sure, you get to visit St. John’s three times, but dear gods it’s not worth it.  You get out of this will some dignity still left, but it wrecks you for quite some time, so if you don’t want to go through that stay away.  Don’t text, don’t comment on livejournal.  Just don’t have anything to do with them. Trust me.

As I write this you are in your late 30s.  You’ll be 39 in a few short months, can you believe it? Things are ok. There are some tough years in your late 30s. I won’t lie to you about that. You’ll do therapy, you’ll need some meds, but that’s ok.  Everyone needs some help sometimes.  And it will help.

I’ll leave you here, to think about what I’ve said. You’re twelve years old and the world is horrible to you right now, I get it, I really do. But keep going, because who you become and the life you lead will be worth it.

Oh, and hang out with Mom more. Just sayin’.

Love, 38 year old you.

Book Club!

I am a member of a book club, which I’m sure just shocks all of you. But seriously, I’ve been a member of this same book club for 17 or so years, believe it or not. That’s quite the long haul for a book club, if I do say so myself.

I love going to my book club.It’s a great way to catch up with friends and chat about a book while eating at a great restaurant. This past weekend we chose our next round of books, and I wanted to share them with you, my readers.

1. The 100-year-old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared by Jonas Jonasson

Exactly what it says in the title, 100 year old Allan climbs out the window of the old folks home and goes on a walkabout. The reader takes part in this adventure and learns about Allan’s monumental past.

This one sounds cute and quirky and I expect that I’ll enjoy it quite a bit.

2. The Escape by David Baldacci
Following Baldacci’s popular character John Puller, a combat veteran and pecial agent with the US Army, the Escape is about a military prison and an escapee who is now the most wanted criminal in the U.S. And also Puller’s brother.

Not normally the type of book we read for book club, this will be an interesting change of venue, so to speak. I’m not sure whether I’ll enjoy this book or not, but I do tend to enjoy books about family relations and no doubt this should have some of that.

3. Us Conductors by Sean Michaels
This was my pick. It explores the life and loves of Lev Termin, creator of the musical instrument the theremin. It also won the Giller Prize in 2015. Us Conductors takes us from the glamour of Jazz Age New York to the gulags and science prisons of the Soviet Union.

I’ve already read this and was lucky enough to interview the author here.

4. A Number of Things by Jane Urquhart
The subtitle of this book is “Stories about Canada told through 50 objects”, which really tells you everything you need to know about the book, as that is exactly what it is. What’s important to note that it’s not full of the generic items like moose, beavers and trees etc, but of objects meaningful to Urquhart herself.

I got lucky enough to see Jane speak about this book at the last Writers fest here in Ottawa. I’m really looking forward to this one.

5. The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry by Gabrielle Zevin
A book about books and bookstores! A.J. Fikry owns a bookstore that he feels is going under, and even his prized collection of poems by Poe has been stolen. When a package arrives on his doorstep Fikry takes it as an opportunity for change.

I won’t lie, I’m pretty excited about this one. I love books about books and the story here sounds wonderful and touching.

6. Hidden Figures by Margot Lee Shetterly
A book that brought us a film! Hidden FIgures tells the story of the black women mathematicians who helped win the space race. “Starting in World War II and moving through to the Cold War, the Civil Rights Movement and the Space Race, Hidden Figures follows the interwoven accounts of Dorothy Vaughan, Mary Jackson, Katherine Johnson and Christine Darden, four African American women who participated in some of NASA’s greatest successes.”

This looks like it could go really well, or really wrong, but the fact that a movie has been made from it makes me optimistic that I will really like this one.

7. Small Great Things by Jodi Picoult
This is the story of Ruth, a black nurse removed from serving a white supremecist couple who are in the hospital giving birth. When tragedy strikes, Ruth finds herself on trial.

I’m not normally a fan of Picoult. I think it might be jealousy at the sheer number of books she’s able to write. Regardless, this story looks very intersting and I’m really looking forward to reading it.

So those are the books on tap for this next year or more. I still have to get back to finishing Do Not Say We Have Nothing!

What books are you planning on reading on 2017? Tell me in the comments and be entered to win a $50 Chapters gift card!

Life with Cerebral Palsy

So here’s the thing. I have a disability called Cerebral Palsy and I’d like to take a moment here to talk about it.  I think there are a lot of misconceptions about this condition that I’d like to try to address.  But first, what is Cerebral Palsy (CP)?

CP is, at its most, basic a neurological condition caused by a brain injury.  In my case, this “injury” happened at birth. I was three months premature and as a result, I needed oxygen in order to survive.  The trick here is that no one really knows how much oxygen to give and too much or too little can be harmful to the brain. I’m not sure if I got too much or too little, but regardless it caused my CP as well as visual impairment, retinopathy of prematurity and most recently, cataracts.  Good times!

I am one of the “lucky ones” if you must put a label on it.  I’m not that keen on being called lucky, despite the fact that my CP could be much, much worse.  The fact is, I am affected rather mildly in comparison to what many people face when diagnosed with cerebral palsy. I walk with a limp and experience pain and stiffness.  I fall a lot because my balance is also affected. I am here to tell you that CP still affects me to a large extent, regardless of the degree of my condition. Mild or not, I am disabled.

And no, that’s not “differently abled.” While I appreciate the attempt to reframe the idea of disability into something more positive, I also resent it, actually.  It’s a little too cheesy, a little too saccharine for my taste. No there’s nothing wrong with me as a person, but there is something wrong with how my body functions, and I am ok with saying that out loud.

So what is it like? It’s like walking through quicksand with ankle weights on. Ok, that’s supposition, because I don’t really know what wearing ankle weights in quicksand is like, but it’s the best I could come up with. I feel weighted down, it’s often hard to move at the speed I would like.  The stiffness doesn’t help.  Too long sitting and it’s hard to get up.  But too long standing and I am in a lot of pain because of the tightness in my body.  A few years ago I went to Disney World with my niece and after two days of walking I needed a wheelchair because I just couldn’t walk anymore.

Those of us with CP often lack in muscle tone, and the stiffness and tightness make it hard to do everyday things.  I have trouble with buttons, some zippers, holding anything in my left hand, I’ll never ice skate or move very gracefully. Just walking to work in the winter is a challenge – one small snow bank is like a mountain range for me. And let me tell you, not all sidewalks are as clear as I need them to be to make my way in.  Even a few feet of ice on an otherwise clear sidewalk is enough to give me anxiety. Crippling anxiety.  I have had too many falls that were close calls to getting hit by cars to not be freaked out by ice and snow.

It’s tough, I’m not gonna lie. I don’t know what the future is going to bring for me.  It could mean a walker or a wheelchair if my movement gets worse.  But I’m gonna do my utmost to keep my body moving, to keep active so I don’t become a stiff shell of a person. If you’re waiting for some sort of inspirational ending, I don’t have one for you.  Would I change it if I could? Absolutely I would. In a minute.

And that, my dear readers, is your post for today.  Have any questions about CP, leave them in the comments and I’ll get back to you.

The 12 Beers of Christmas

As I mentioned in my previous post, last night I went to an event held by the Dominion City Brewery and the Albion Rooms restaurant called the 12 Beers of Christmas. The event was held as a fundraiser for Candlelighters, an Ottawa organization that supports children with cancer.

The premise was 12 courses of food paired with 12 beers, each course based on a theme from the song the 12 Days of Christmas. And you guys, it was so, so good.

At first, I was nervous because there were some exotic and odd things on the menu. For example, elk tartare.  Squab (which is pigeon). Pheasant. You get the picture.  It was definitely an adventurous meal for me!

The elk tartare was quite good, with enough seasoning to make you feel like you’re not really eating raw meat. Next, there was “head cheese” with turkey, duck & quail (probably my least favourite of the night), followed by salt cod croquette and then the lamb lollipop.  OMG, the lamb.  I have never had lamb before in my life and this was amazingly tasty.  I’m not sure if it was simply the lamb itself or the spiced yogurt that came with it, but it was by far my favourite of the night.

The next few dishes were smelts, pheasant, cornish hen, goose with a quail scotch egg, and the squab.  And yes, I ate the pigeon.  I felt weird about it, I won’t lie.  But it was surprisingly tasty! I actually kind of enjoyed it.  I wouldn’t order it off a menu again, but if it showed up at another event like this I wouldn’t be so wary, either.

Following that, there were three dessert courses.  Yep, three!. The first was an Italian meringue with melon & mint. The next was cannolis and finally tres leches cake.

And of course that’s not even mentioning the 12 beers we got to sample!

As a bonus to the evening, I ran into a couple friends from Barley’s Angels and we all sat together so I wasn’t totally alone all night! Huzzah!

Don’t forget to comment to be eligible to win a $50 Chapters gift card!

The Gift of Peace

One of the subjects I came across when planning my blog posts for December and January was the question “What gift are you giving yourself this year?” That’s a complicated question. I mean, I could simply look at my goals for 2017 and say my gift to myself will be creativity. Or my gift to myself will be losing weight. Any of the things on that list would suffice. But it is a more complex thing that I’d like to gift myself this year.

What I want is the gift of peace.

Truth be told, I am a very anxious person. I am on a significant amount of medication just to deal with that. While the medication generally works, anxiety still gets to me about particular situations. On top of that, I have a hard time dealing with loneliness. Don’t get me wrong, I love being alone most of the time. I am a very strong introvert that way. But when loneliness does hit me it often cripples me emotionally. I don’t want to have another evening like NYE. I want to be able to be peaceful even when I don’t choose to be alone. To find peace when my anxiety is flaring up.

I suppose you could change peace for contentment. Ultimately it’s the same result. I want to be happy regardless of whether I have anyone to hang out with at any given moment. Regardless of whether I choose to be alone or not. I want to reclaim my zen!

And it should be noted that this is not a plea for more social invitations from friends. Not at all. It is simply a self-reflection and I’m trying my best to be honest about it.

Tonight there is a 12-course dinner and beer pairing hosted by Dominion City Brewery that I really wanted to go to. I couldn’t find anyone to go with me (which, to be fair, it is a rather expensive dinner). So as part of the “dealing with loneliness and anxiety” gift, I decided to go alone. I am decidedly more anxious about the food than the going alone part (I am going to be eating squab people!). This is a good first step for me. To find that peace, regardless of the circumstances.

What gift are you giving yourself this year? Tell me about it in the comments and you’ll be entered to win a $50 Chapters gift card!

Goals for 2017

Along with hating New Year’s Eve, I also hate new year’s resolutions.  Mostly because I often utterly, utterly fail at them.  But that doesn’t stop me from making a  list of goals I want to achieve for 2017. And they are as follows:

  1. Write 500 words a day. This does not include blogging.  Already I am sucking at this! WRITE MOAR. Why do I want to write more? I’m never quite sure.  I don’t have a dream of being published.  Ok, I do, but I’m not really doing anything to attempt to achieve it.  It’s like my dream of winning the lottery. Up there in the clouds.  But I wouldn’t mind some pieces in magazines and journals, and to do that you gotta write.
  2. Finish Abdication of the Fourth. It’s a horrible, horrible story because it is horribly written, but I want to finish the damn thing regardless. I started it as a Nanowrimo project many years ago and it was ok that it sucked because it’s the quantity not quality when it comes to Nano. So yeah, it sucks.  But gotta get it done.
  3. Start “Seventeen” because it is sitting in my brain taking up space. Seventeen is the story of a washed-up punk singer and the foster girl he takes in. Who just happens to be obsessed with him.  So that’ll be awkward.
  4. Clean the apartment once a week. Should also include daily dishes duty, cat litter and making the damn bed. Life looks better with your bed made. It just does.
  5. Cook a meal from scratch at least once a week. A real meal, not a freaking “stir-fry” for the 4,000th
  6. Workout twice a week. I really, REALLY need to get back to the gym. It’s getting pathetic how long it’s been, and yet I keep paying them money.  It’s like a laziness tax.
  7. Drink less beer (this makes me sad. But if I want to lose weight…), drink more water.
  8. Go on monthly creativity dates with the Amazing Flatmate (who is not *my* amazing flatmate, but nonetheless the name has stuck). WE often create “together” while texting each other, but in real life creativity dates are very exciting!

Generally speaking, if I can use some clichés, I want to live with intent, and live more in the moment.  I want to be deliberate with my choices and enjoy the things I’m doing for what they are.  Even writing Abdication.

I was listening to a podcast last night that talked with a man who did a study on happiness. And he said that the more our minds wander, the more unhappy we are.  That it doesn’t matter what our minds our wandering to, just the state of wandering itself is the catalyst for unhappiness.  So I want to live as if the opposite were true.  The more focused I am on the task at hand, the happier I’ll be.  At least that is my hypothesis.

I know this sounds very crunchy granola hippy etc. But I need a rebooting of my life.  I need new things in my life in 2017, and the only way to change things is to change myself.

What are your goals for 2017? Tell me in the comments and be entered to win a $50 Chapters gift card!

2016 & 2017

Anyone who knows me decently well knows I hate New Years Eve with the passion of a thousand burning suns. I really frakking hate it.

Why? Because it’s a lot like Valentine’s Day, in that it’s this manufactured thing that is meant to be a new beginning but all it manages to ever do is depress me. Mostly because of my own stupidly high expectations, I’ll admit. There’s just something about being stuck alone on New Years that just blows compared to being alone any other night of the week. At least it does for me.

I try not to let it get to me, but it always does, and inevitably I end up in tears and crawling into bed at 10:00 like I did last night.

It was especially important to me to have someone to spend it with this year, as 2016 was the shities of all shitty years I have experienced. And I’ve been through a lot of shitty years. I’d typically do a year in review here, but suffice it to say, the only thing that comes to mind is my mom dying. June 9th 2016 my Mom died and nothing will ever really be the same any more.

Yes, she went quickly and painlessly, or mostly anyway. It’s a good way to go if you’re going to go, i know that. But I wanted more time. Just more of everything.

But that’s not going to happen now. So what I had wanted was a good new year. That went to shit too. So 2017 better be a grand improvement. Let’s just leave it at that.


In better news, today begins the first day of my GIVEAWAY. From now through the end of February, every (meaningful) comment on my blog will be entered into a draw for a $50 Chapters gift card. I look forward to hearing what all of you have to say!