Party of One

I’m very much an introvert.  I need to be alone a lot of the time so I don’t go crazy.  Ask anyone in my family how bitchy I get at Christmas after too many days surrounded by people.  It can get bad, lol.

But sometimes life gets lonely, and it’s very hard to shake off.  It’s a self-perpetuating cycle, really.  You try to explain what you feel to others and they simply don’t understand.  It’s not their fault, but the lack of an understanding ear can make you feel even more alone.

I have a full life, and I am very lucky.  I have a family that loves me.  A good job.  A great place to live.  Adorable pets.  Hobbies and interests that I am passionate about.  And yet….I am not always happy.

There are times when  having a very singular life can bring me down.  I have friends, but I never see them or hang out with them.  Everyone is busy or far away.  I’m single, with no romantic partner and don’t see that changing.  I live alone.  I have many siblings, but none of them share the same father as me. All these things often make me feel very alone in the world.

Sometimes you just want someone who gets it.  Someone who shares a piece of your life. Someone to talk about your day with.  To take care of you when you’re sick. To hang out and do nothing with.

To be plural.

A ‘we’ instead of an ‘I’.

For Good

[Since the time this post was published the singer of the songs my ex ripped off has made all her videos of cover songs private.  That means that every video I’ve embedded here no longer works.  I could edit to remove them, but I think that changes what the post was originally meant to be, so I left them in. – A]

 

I don’t talk about this much, or when I do I mock the whole experience.

I’m tough, you know.  I’ve moved on.  It’s her that’s the problem.  I’m so relieved.

But.  But I’m still reeling 2.5 years later.  The fallout of “dating” a Borderline Personality Disorder person.  That’s my diagnosis.  Hers was “Manic Depression”. Insisting that “Bipolar Disorder” was a different thing, no matter what I knew science and google said.

I wasn’t a good partner to begin with.  So in love with Jaee’s fiction.  Wanting to believe her excuses. I sent her a birthday package that she said she couldn’t open – it reminded her of how alone she really was on her birthday.  Didn’t matter that I spent $38 to get it there.  Never opened it or thanked me in our time together.  So she said.  LIES.

When I bought a plane ticket to visit her over New Years, she suddenly couldn’t communicate. Not even over text. Not once in 3 weeks.  Didn’t reply to my “Merry Christmas” text.  A better person would have walked away long before this, found a new place to stay, visited Newfoundland and written it off.

Not me.  Of course not.

So she got a hold of me the day before my arrival and I acted like the previous three weeks of silence were nothing.  Then my christmas presents were “delayed” because of the storm and they had somehow been misdirected.  Of course.

I pushed away the fact that it seemed clear she hadn’t bought me a gift when she spent over $100 on me during my visit. We held hands during Cohenfest. We had sex. I thought things were ok (or I wanted them to be).

Valentine’s day.  I opened her gift too early, fault of my own, and she didn’t speak to me for 3 days.  Told me she might never love me again. I wanted to die.  I thought i had lost the love of my life.

I was supposed to visit her over the long weekend of Canada Day. She misunderstood my itinerary and flipped out when she found out I’d land 6 hours later than she thought.  Told me all Canada Day activities in St John’s (a provincial capital) would be over by 10:30 a.m.  Said she’d revoke her whole weekend off because I was 6 hours late.  I snapped.  Broke up with her. This was too much shit.  I was done.

She changed her phone number immediately.  I regretted it at first.  Her mind games had fucked with me.  Maybe I hadn’t loved her enough.  I sent a birthday card to her work.  Mistake.  I was destroyed by her.

And then it got worse.

This woman, who had masterfully torn me down yet made me think it was love, well, she was a singer. I remember the day she sent me a recording of her singing.  It was August, 2 months before we started dating.  My love for her was strengthened by her voice.

I hadn’t asked for these recordings.  Had no idea she sang.  It was a gift and I was more in love than ever.  Jaee would send me these occasional recordings thereafter, during our “relationship”.  She’d tell me she sang at open mics in St John’s.

I told her my deepest darkest secret, and she sent me a recording of her singing a Coldplay cover of “green eyes”. The colour of my eyes.

After we broke up I went on Youtube looking for a song that was “ours”.  Here We Are by Storm Large.

I stumbled upon a cover and hit Play.  Within the first notes I recognized Jaee’s singing to me.  But it was by this girl named Janet Carey.  I explored the rest of Janet’s list, and sure enough, every song that Jaee “sang”, including Green Eyes, was there originally sang by Janet Carey.

It was a huge, emotionally devastating lie.  I called her on it and got an email from Jaee’s girlfriend to stop spreading lies about Jaee.  That’s where it ended.

I’m angry, hurt and untrusting.  I want to warn everyone around Jaee. Shes a liar.

The worst part is, I shouldn’t care. Should move on.  But she ripped me down, destroyed me and is untouchable.  I’m sure she feels stoked by that.