They Say Having A Child is Like Having Your Heart Walk Around Outside Your Body….

People, even my family members, think I hate kids.

I get why people think this.  I have no patience.  I’m an introvert.  I’m lazy. I like money, and free time.  And quiet.  Kids would allow me none of that.  But that is only part of the reason I long ago decided not to have children.

It’s because I am way, way too emotional.  I just don’t think I could handle it.  I would always worry.  I’d be the worst kind of helicopter parent, always hovering.  I’d cry more over their hurts than they would.  I just can’t do it. 

I love incredibly strongly, more strongly than others I might risk to say.  I’ve always been the most easily offended when I thought my siblings didn’t care enough about their ‘original’ family.  I still am.  My nieces and nephews are the joy of my life, and the ones that I didn’t get to build a relationship with? I miss terribly. I have 14 nieces and nephews.  I have a relationship with 7.  It’s many long stories and blame doesn’t matter, but the relationships I do have with the one set of seven make me ache for what could have been with the others.

Why am I writing this? You’ve probably guessed…the Newtown, CT massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School. I’d say it’s because I’m sick, or hormonal, but it doesn’t really matter.  I have spent most of my waking time since hearing about it on the verge of tears.

They were babies.  They were my nieces and nephews not that long ago.  And when I imagine something happening to one of them….I’m not sure I’d recover. And I’m not their mom.

I don’t want to have children because I already feel love too strongly.  If I was to be a mother I’m not sure I’d be able to take it. They say it’s all worth it. And in the end, my decision isn’t really about the lack of time, or money.

It’s the fact that I don’t think I can handle loving another person THAT much, knowing I will have to watch them hurt.

That’s it really. I’m not having kids for one reason.

I’m a coward.

New Digs

So over the weekend I moved apartments.

From a one bedroom, centretown, medium quality apartment, to a two bedroom, Sandy Hill north, totally fancy apartment.

It’s totally awesome. They’re having a cocktail party this friday.  And they have free coffee in the lobby every morning.  I would go on, but it borders on bragging.

But I really think I’m going to be much happier here.  Not because of the fanciness, but because it’s bigger, brighter.  And the carpet isn’t frakking BLUE. Green.  Whatever.  It’s going to be really nice.  I’m pretty excited.

So remind me of this post in 6 months and we’ll see if the optimism sticks.