wow

I think I’m not in love with you any more.

I will always be there for you, but I’m not 100% about you.

I have great friends. Even though I often feel insecure with them, they have never made me feel as insecure as you did, and you were supposed to be my partner.

There were people I crushed on before and after you.

Maybe we can never be together again…you really abused me.

You loved me equally, but you also told me I was a selfish bitch who never loved you.  I realize now that was your own blinders.  I loved you so much I almost died.  You made me feel unworthy of you.

And I almost let you.

It scares me because if I knew you’d stop ignoring me,if i could please you, i’d let you XXXXX XX  If I thought that would make you love me again, and not me ignore me, I would have taken it.

And if that isn’t a sign of how far gone i was, well…

I made the right decision.  I made the right decision.  I did. Because I have awesome people in my life.  Who love me.  Who don’t tear me down.

I just wish you could have believed I loved you.  As hard as you were, I LOVED you.  You were not unworthy of love.

 

No matter how hard you tried.

The Hard Days

Today is one of the hard days.

I woke up from dreams that were both joyous and heart breaking in equal proportion, and they continue to affect my mood and thought patterns as we approach lunch time.  That’s not good.  I need to focus on things that are not dreams.  Focus on reality and not fantasy.  But for someone like me that can be very very difficult to do.  I spend a lot of time in my head.

I suppose it’s the curse of being a writer.

It’s hard to focus on work when I’m feeling like this.  Everything just feels — inconsequential.

The mood will pass, of course.  It always does.  And tomorrow I will root myself to reality and appreciate all the awesome things that are in my life (of which there are too many to list…I do know that).

But today is going to be one of the days you just Get Through. Everyone has them.  And we all get through them.  I am no different.

Selfish

I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes me happy. 

It turns out being needed makes me happy.  That probably sounds pretty obvious to a lot of people, and I will admit that it is pretty basic.  But sometimes the basic stuff can sneak up on you in new ways.

I’ve had several people turn to me for help in the last little while, each in their own different ways, each for their own different reasons.  And while I’m saddened by the fact that they are in such situations, it gives me no end of joy to be the one that these people turn to.

I like being someone my friends and family can rely on and turn to.  I like being trustworthy.  I especially like being helpful.

But ironically, it strikes me as more than a little selfish to feel that way.  Like it means I’m glad when people are in crappy spots where they need my help.

That’s not what I mean at all, obviously.  I guess what I do mean is that if people are going to be in not-so-great places I’m glad I’m at the top of their list of people to turn to.

The funny thing is, most people hate asking for help, myself included.  It’s not an easy thing to do.  I wonder how many people are like me when approached, though? How many of them are sitting there thinking

“I’m so very glad you felt you could come to me.  Thank you.”

As Long As I’m Around Nothing Bad’s Gonna Happen To You (Stand By Me)

I never say it
Taught not to
Like with Dad
And other Men

Shhhhh

Don’t bother him

No Chick Flick Moments

That’s fine

But I still have
Eight Years Old
The dead end
Guelph Lake

And
Stand By Me
Playing in the earphones
Of your Sony Walkman

I was scared that evening
8/18
The best man I’d ever known

And now I miss what
We could have had

Instead I’m still eight
Frightened
With no song
To scare away the

Dark

fire

fire in me
so happy
joy
splashing out of
my pours
for just one day

this one is mine
i claim it
i name it
i hold it like a child
holds security

Because now
i know joy
does exist without her
the one who put so
so much misery on me

that any scrap, like
a bone

‘i love you’
‘i’m yours’

i’d suck the marrow
dry

bruises that felt
like victories.
i am hurt
But I am not dead

And I will
capture
You.

Too bad there was
no you
To be
Captured

And I am left
With my
Scars
Memories of
Not
You

And yet still

I am lost

2012

A blank canvass,
Fresh intentions
All good, of course.

Somehow that one minute
Changes everything.
We now start anew
Leave the past behind.

Except that one minute
Doesn’t always erase
A year or fix the places
Where we are broken.

Sometimes not even a lifetime
Can do that.

 

And that, my friends, is my cynical poem for the start of 2012.  I want things to be different this year.  I want things to be better this year. 2011 was, at best, a horribly shitty year across the board.  2012 can only get better. Right?  If I believe it is must be true!

If only I could believe in that power of positive thinking stuff.

Nonetheless, despite my cynacism, I do have some wishes and hopes for 2012.  And I’ll even admit to some of them here, recording them for posterity.  Releasing them into the world with the vain hope that there is power in writing something down.

In 2012:

I want to move past the ever-present ache of heartbreak.

I want to stop missing people who don’t miss me.

I want to be grateful for the wonderful people in my life.

I want to not be tired.

I want to read more.

I want to be more engaged in the actual world, and not the one in my head.

I want my apartment to be neat and clean.

I want to have a relationship.

I want to be someone’s first thought.

I want to stop feeling/acting like Season 4 Sam.

I want to fall in love again.

I want someone to fall in love with me.

I want to be content.